WHERE IS MY COWBOY

Strong and independent is what I strive.
But there’s a part of me that attracts a certain kind.
It is the ones who don’t love me completely.
I have begun, to wonder, is it me?

Never had a man in my life who just chose me.
My dad, my protector did something to me in his bedroom when I was 10.
He admits it and said, “you came to see me.”
How messed up is that? Disgusting, I say!

I pulled myself together and vowed to get my degree in college.
I was going to be miss independent with all my knowledge.
I said, I won’t depend on a man.
That was my stance.

Along came a man a few years older than me.
Did it before marriage with him. I am Catholic so I said I needed to be married to him.
I was glad he was opposite of my father.
His family were professionals, white collar.
My family tradesmen and blue collar.

Fast forward we had three children.
I said I will make the best life for our kin.
Even though my husband hit me, verbal assaults, hurt the animals, threats, destroyed things, took children out of my hands . All so sad.

Then at 22 years of marriage he came out as liking men.
He said: it is all good, I got them in the newspaper, the men were from a good area in Boston.
Sick! He left and here I am pulling myself together.

There is more and more.
As I write this I am an older woman just looking for someone who just wants me.
Someone who is gentle and kind to me.

But here I have a man staying but complaining.
Says I’m nagging to keep me quiet.
He knows my history.
I can’t even begin how much I’ve given to him. There are missing percentages. I am so sad.

Last night he was talking to his female friend of 30 years. She’s married and she knows about me.
It is all messed up. There is more to tell.
He is using me. This how I feel.

So, where is my cowboy? Is there such a thing? I need someone who chooses all of me, talks to me, protects me, honors me.
That’s all I have to say for now. Tears are rolling down my face as I’m typing this.

Am I better off by myself? Maybe, I am? The men I attract are users and manipulators of one degree or another. So sad.

Where is my cowboy: kindness, love, chooses me, walks with me, talks to me, loves all of me, protects me – no cheating (real – not fake, no lies)

~ Peaceful Hearts Rise